Boundaries Aren’t a Flex
Boundaries that end relationships that is…
Boundaries are supposed to answer one question:
How do I love myself fully while staying connected to the people I love?
That’s it. Boundaries aren’t about control. They aren’t about cutting people off. They aren’t a flex.
But the way boundaries are often taught, especially on social media or in therapy culture, leans on white supremacy and hyper-individualism. It says: “If you cross me, I cut you off.” That’s not a boundary. That’s a rule. And it’s a rule that centers separation, not love.
Boundaries, at their best, create the parameters where love and interdependence can thrive. They’re supposed to help you figure out:
How do I keep loving this person while also loving myself?
What conditions allow for both of us to show up fully?
That’s the frame I use when I teach.
I think about the girl raised in a collectivist household where boundaries weren’t allowed. Hierarchical collectivism said: men and elders get to express anger, say no, and take up space. Everyone else, especially women and children, were expected to self-sacrifice in the name of love.
So when she starts learning about boundaries, the first messages she encounters are often from Western therapy or social media. Those messages usually sound rigid, isolating, and individualistic. They don’t take into account her culture, her values, or her deep need for connection.
That’s why I teach love-centered boundaries. Because the point isn’t disconnection. The point is to keep love in the relationship.
Here’s an example.
Let’s say a parent is constantly asking for money. For years, you’ve said yes, even when it hurt you financially, because that’s what was expected. Now you’re trying to set a new boundary, one that keeps you from resentment and self-abandonment.
The conversation might sound like this:
“Hey, I know it used to seem like anytime you asked, I gave whatever I could. That’s not sustainable for me anymore. I’m shifting how I manage my money, and it means I can’t give in the same way. I know this might be hard for you to hear. It’s hard for me too. But I want to be honest, because I want to keep our relationship strong.”
That’s a love-centered boundary. You’re honest. You name what’s changing. You give them grace because it’s a new dance for both of you. And you give yourself grace too, because learning to hold boundaries is uncomfortable.
And if they keep pushing? That’s when you enact a rule.
“If you keep pressuring me about this, I won’t respond.”
“If it continues, I’ll need to block you for a while.”
That’s not punishment. That’s clarity. And clarity is love.
Boundaries aren’t supposed to exile people. They’re supposed to make space for love. They help us say:
“This is how I need to be loved. Can you meet me here?”
Sometimes the answer will be yes. Sometimes it will be no. But either way, you’ll be practicing connection with honesty instead of performance.
This is the work I teach in Relational Skills for Liberation. Exercises, scripts, and reflections that help you move away from hyper-individualism and into love-centered interdependence.
Because the truth is, boundaries aren’t a flex. They’re a practice of care.
Relational Skills for Liberation is available now. If you want to go deeper into love-centered boundaries, repair, and interdependence, here it is.
With care,
Christabel